Think STOP!

April 16, 2011 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged , , ,

Tonight was my daughter’s first school dance. It was a fabulous evening: She danced with friends, she watched the band, she ate pizza, and she decorated herself with glow sticks! She had wanted to stay right until the very end, which meant that we didn’t pull into our drive-way until after 8pm. Once home, I found myself rushing her through the steps of her bedtime routine. She was up past her bedtime and looked very tired! However, I found that the more she dawdled, the more my frustration mounted. I wanted to finish cleaning the kitchen. I wanted to read in bed. I wanted to get to sleep early myself… and so went my inner dialog. Each statement to myself triggered the added thought that the longer my daughter took, the longer it would take before I could have “me time” – and that thought served only to exacerbate the frustration I was feeling.

But, I don’t want to be the grouchy parent. My daughter was on an adrenaline high from dancing with her friends; she wanted to dance around her room and tell me about her evening!  I want my daughter to know that she can approach me about anything, no matter the time of day. That is one of my parenting goals. But, when I was feeling frustrated this evening, and rushing my daughter to bed, and getting short in my communication, was I really doing justice to that goal? Was my behaviour helping our relationship at all?

I don’t think so. I sat back on the edge of the bed, and realized that I was not being an effective parent.  So what if I was 30 minutes later to have some alone time. In the grand scheme of things in this world, what is an extra 30 minutes, really? And so, I had to just stop.

Just STOP is exactly the strategy that I would like to share with you. Sometimes we just really need to stop the thoughts that escalate our negative feelings and fuel our inappropriate reactions. Try visualizing an actual stop sign. This is a great technique because we are so conditioned to stop when we see a stop sign (or at least slow to a “rolling stop”…ha ha!). But the point is this: whenever we see a stop sign, we come to a stop and cautiously look around.

In your parenting and in your day to day life, when you notice signs that frustration or anger are mounting in you, follow those exact same rules. Stop and cautiously look around (inwardly): tune in to what you are saying to yourself. If your inner voice is negative, if you are making accusations, ascribing malicious intentions to your child, if you are self-downing, or engaging in self-limiting beliefs, try visualizing a stop sign. Visualize the octagon shape of it. The bright red colour. The retro-reflective lettering. STOP.

If you have trouble with visualization, you can still use this strategy – just modify it a little! Print out a picture of a stop sign. Then, keep it with you and look at it often or as needed.

Keep focusing on the stop sign, and the underlying meaning for you, until you are able to clear your mind and get centered. Our kids need us to get out of our heads and into the moment with them. Good luck!

Idea from:

The Affect Regulation Toolbox, by Carolyn Daitch (2007)

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Swapping out Trigger Thoughts for Coping Thoughts

January 24, 2011 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged ,

This morning I was running late for work. Last night, rather than tidying house and preparing lunches for school, I was tired. I decided to put my feet up. I watched tv, and I chatted with my husband. Shirking my Sunday night household responsibilities felt great! But as a result, this morning I was running late. My morning agenda read: get ready, get kids ready, get lunches ready, drive kids to school, drive self to work. However, my six year old daughter had a different agenda. Despite the many times I informed her that I was running late and that we needed to get out the door, she dawdled. I was frustrated with myself for not being prepared for the morning, and sadly I found myself directing this frustration at my daughter. As I saw myself nagging ineffectively, I started to notice my inner dialog changing: “Why can’t she just help me with this? She is so disrespectful…”. Funny thing about such negative, labeling comments – they seem to always intensify angry feelings.

Researchers McKay and Fanning (1996), call these “trigger thoughts” because the thoughts tend to trigger in us negative emotions. When parents are stressed, thinking thoughts that serve to magnify, label, and assume intent distort the situation – these thoughts make the situation seem worse than it is, and make your child’s behaviour seem deliberate and bad.

Trigger thoughts lead parents to forget the real reasons behind their child’s behaviour (such as developmental level, reinforcement history, needs, temperament, and so forth). And, as the trigger thoughts spiral us into anger, we are left feeling helpless. Once we cool down and the situation is over, we are still left with an unresolved issue and have now lost an opportunity to problem solve with our child(ren).

Trigger thoughts also have a negative impact on our kids. When our anger prevents us from seeing a situation clearly and acknowledging  underlying causes of behaviour, we send negative messages to our children. These messages can lead kids to see themselves as bad, to grow less cooperative with us, and to become alienated from us and angry. The impact of chronic anger on our children sure is worth our attention in changing our patterns when under stress!

McKay and Fanning, in their 1996 research study, found that parents with low levels of anger tended to use more positive coping statements (in place of trigger thoughts). The seven coping thoughts that seemed most effective were as follows:

  1. It’s just a stage. Kids have to go through these stages
  2. This is natural for his/her age
  3. Don’t take it seriously/personally. Keep a sense of humour
  4. This is just natural (age-appropriate) impulsiveness
  5. He/She isn’t really trying to do this to me. It’s just how he/she is coping right now
  6. He/She can’t help (crying, being angry, interrupting, needing attention, etc.)
  7. Just get through it. You can cope. You don’t have to get angry

These are such fantastic coping statements and parents so often forget to use them. If you need assistance in remembering to use the positive coping statements, you could post them on your wall, or use the sticky dot technique! If these coping strategies don’t fit for your situation, spend some time creating your own. The more the coping statements are unique to your life, the more likely you are to remember to think them in the pace of trigger thoughts.

Most importantly, start becoming aware of how you feel anger in your body. Then, when you feel that sensation, check in with what is going on for you at that moment. What are you saying to yourself about the situation? Are you labeling your child in a detrimental way? Are you magnifying the problem? Are you assuming some unruly motive to your child? If so, you are most likely using a triggering thought. Swap it out with a coping statement – and believe the coping statement. Our children really aren’t out to get us! They are just navigating their way through some significant developmental milestones and often feeling helpless, powerless, frustrated, anger, etc. at the process!

Reference:
McKay, M., & Fanning, P. (1996). When anger hurts your kids: A parent’s guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

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Resources for Parents

December 30, 2010 · Filed under Books/Resources · Tagged , , , ,

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason
By Alfie Khon (A MUST-READ for parents, soon-to-be parents, child care providers, and teachers)

Raising an Emotionally-Intelligent Child
By John Gottman and Joan Declaire

Parenting from the Inside-Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding can Help you Raise Children who Thrive
By Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell

The Mindful Brain
By Daniel Siegel

When the Chips are Down
Video by Rick Lavoie (a PBS video offered at most public libraries – about building the foundations of self-esteem in children). Also found at http://www.ricklavoie.com/videos.html

The Animal School Movie
By Ellen C. Braun (a refreshing reminder to look at children’s talents as strengths). Can be watched for free or purchased at http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help your Children Live Together so you can Live too
By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

When Anger Hurts your Kids: A Parent’s Guide
By Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning  (A workbook for managing anger so that parental anger issues do not harm children/derail the parent-child relationship)

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Take a Deep Breath… Calm Down!

December 22, 2010 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged , ,

Sometimes when we are feeling out of control, our breathing is also out of control.

Research has proven that stress and anxiety affect the way we breathe. When we are stressed, we tend to breathe rapidly, or shallowly, or we may even hold our breath. Breathing in such a manner can be related to chronic anxiety. When we breathe rapidly or shallowly, our body enters into a state of physiological arousal: psychological and physiological changes occur which put us into a state of readiness, referred to as fight or flight. One of the characteristics of this state is the rapid release of adrenaline. This adrenaline is necessary for optimal functioning, however, too much of it impedes optimal functioning and shuts down our ability for effective problem-solving.

Awareness and regulation of the quality of your breathing can have several positive effects:

  • slowing and deepening your breathing allows for adequate intake of oxygen and output of carbon dioxide which is needed for physical well-being
  • conscious breathing during times of distress allow you to release muscular and emotional tension, thus reducing levels distress
  • focusing awareness on breathing can shift thoughts away from flashbacks and non-productive or obsessive thinking and bring your consciousness back into the present

It takes practice to learn how to breathe deeply and calmly, but the effects are incredibly helpful for our well-being and for effective parenting. Imagine the last time you became upset about something. When we get angry, most of us tend to experience physiological sensations, such as a hot flush in face, tense shoulders, clenched jaw or fists, rapid breathing or holding of breath. Then, if we don’t stop to process what is going on for us, we might react with a thoughtless comment that was not really helpful in the moment. If you can learn to slow down this cycle by increasing awareness of your breath and deepening your breathing, you can increase physiological feelings of calm, thus maintaining your own effective problem-solving abilities. The end result? You remain in control of your emotions, teach your children that difficult situations can be dealt with in a calm manner, you choose your actions and respond to your children in a way that is congruent with how you want to parent. Controlling your breathing doesn’t just calm your anxiety, it also means you can control your temper and your anger.

Practice the following breathing cycle to increase your ability to calm your body:

1) Sit in a comfortable chair and place your feet solidly on the floor. Notice the sensation of your feet pressing against the floor

2) Notice the quality of your breathing by considering the following:

  • the depth of your breathing: is it shallow, deep, moderate
  • the rate of your breathing: is it fast, slow, moderate
  • the pause between the inhalation and exhalation of your breath
  • the expansion and contraction of your rib and abdominal areas
  • changes in the overall pattern of your breathing

3) Conjure up a calming vision. As you are learning this technique, it may be helpful to visualize a ship floating on the sea. As you breathe in, waves wash up onto the shore and the ship bobs closer to the shore. It bobs close enough that you can clearly see its details: lettering on the bow, the colour of the sails, people on the deck, etc. As you exhale, the waves pull away from the shore and the ship bobs farther out of view. Or you may want to visualize a feather floating in the air, a balloon, and so forth. Because deep breathing involves the pulling of oxygen into the lower lungs first, for some people it is helpful to visualize a jar being filled with water. As the water is poured in, it splashes into the bottom of the jar, then rises to the top, overflowing over the rim and out onto your hands. The jar symbolizes your torso, and the water the oxygen you breathe.

4) Follow these steps to slow your breathing, and thus calm your body:

  • Breath in through your nose for a count of 1-2-3-4, pulling your breath deeply into your lower lungs
  • Hold your breath for a count of 1-2-3-4
  • Exhale through your mouth for a count of 1-2-3-4
  • Hold your breath for a count of 1-2-3-4;
  • Repeat cycle 3 to 4 times

The cycle must be done methodically – completely filling and emptying your lungs each time. You will notice your abdomen and chest moving in and out with each inhale and exhale. Note that the slower your count, the slower your breathing becomes.

Remember, it is physiologically impossible to have calm, slow, deep breaths and be in a state of anxiety. The two are mutually exclusive. You can consciously change the quality of your breathing to reduce your stress level. As you first begin learning to breathe deeply, you will need to remind yourself to use it when you notice your stress level/anger rising (refer to Memory Cue for assistance in remembering to to use the strategy!). With practice, breath regulation will become more automatic. Once you master the technique through regular practice, you will find yourself automatically engaging in deep breathing during times of stress.

Resources:

Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art: Drawing from the Centre
By Cohen, B. M., Barns, M. M., & Rankin, A. B.  (1995)

First Stage Trauma Treatment
By Haskell, L. (2003)

When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress
By Mate, G. (2003)

Lowering Pursuit-Induced Adrenaline Overloads
By Sgt. Charles E. Humes (2003)
www.pusuitwatchorg/stories/adrenaline.html

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Become Accountable

November 16, 2010 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged , , , ,

It is very easy to contemplate all the behaviours that we might like to change in ourselves. We might think that it would be great to handle our temper better, or not be quite so emotional all the time. However, actually committing ourselves to a plan and sticking with it can be tricky. This holds true for parenting, as well.

One of the greatest ways to successfully change a behaviour is to document it. We can do this through journaling, or through writing out a plan for ourselves. Committing our thoughts to paper somehow makes them more concrete. No longer are they fleeting words floating through our mind – on paper words take on a stronger meaning. They become real. Through writing we give order to our thoughts, which assists us in seeing a plan more clearly.

So, to become accountable to yourself, every night write in your journal the ways in which you were successful in carrying out your desired behaviour change.

Example: Becoming Accountable with Anger

1. Think about the ways that you will better handle your anger.

2. Every evening, write in your journal the ways in which you handled your anger well that day.

3. If you had a “blip” (an experience in which you did not handle your anger well) – write about how you will handle things differently tomorrow.

Example: Becoming Accountable with Self-Esteem

1. Think about the ways in which you would like to raise self-esteem in your child(ren)

2. Every evening, write in your journal about the interactions you had with your children where you made positive attempts at increasing their self-esteem

3. If you had a “blip”  - write about how you will handle things differently tomorrow so that you remain focused on interacting in ways that raise your child’s self-esteem.

Journaling in this way will make you accountable to yourself. It doesn’t feel very good to sit down to do this journaling exercise and have nothing to say – which is the success of the technique: you will want to implement the behaviour you planned so that you have something positive to write about in your journal!

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Keeping Score

November 1, 2010 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged , , ,

This summer, my 6 year old daughter told me that I was a “no parent”. When I asked her what she meant, she told me that I say “no” all the time. Could this have been true? I was quite sure that I was a balanced parent – with some “yes’s” and some “no’s”! However, because my daughter was quite adamant that I was in fact a “no parent”, I decided to check it out for myself. I used an index card, and wrote down “no” on one side and “yes” on the other. What the process did for me was increase my awareness prior to responding. Was my “no” response simply a knee-jerk reaction, or was there a good reason for me to say “no” to her request? By the end of the day, I realized that I was in fact a very balanced parent, and the score card opened up a great dialog between my daughter and I about expectations.

If you would like to increase self-awareness about a particular behaviour, try using the score card technique! It doesn’t have to just be used to increase awareness of  ”yes/no” responses. If you are learning to better handle your anger, keep score on when you handle anger well (staying calm), and when you lose your cool. You can then use the score card to better understand what is going on for you when you are able to stay calm in the face of frustration – and hopefully learn to build on these moments!

Good luck!

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Learning to Love Yourself

October 28, 2010 · Filed under Self-Care for Parents · Tagged , , , ,

Many parents have a very difficult time making themselves a priority. From the time your children are born, you have most likely learned to put your needs on hold to care for them. When they cry in the night, you give up your sleep to attend to them. As toddlers they need close attention, and again your routine changes to ensure their safety and contentment. If your children are involved in sports, then you learn to adapt your schedule to take them to their activities. In essence, your life revolves around your children and your desire to raise them to be healthy and well-adjusted.

However, if you are in the habit of caring for your children, spouse, etc. at the complete expense of caring for yourself, you will come to identify yourself solely by this caregiving role. Doing so puts you at risk of losing sight of your own individuality. Making yourself a priority, treating yourself kindly, nurturing yourself as well as the others in your life, is crucial to maintaining balance. It can also sustain you during stressful times, buffer against feelings of anxiety, and aid in the development of self-love. Everyone has time to care for themselves throughout the day: we just tend to use that time for other things. And the truth is, it doesn’t have to take a great deal of time.

For example, your plan to care for yourself may involve choosing to talk more kindly to yourself (to be less critical with your self-talk). This process could involve enhancing self-awareness, which would enable you to start catching yourself when self-talk becomes critical, and then replace it with something kinder. Such a process wouldn’t necessarily take time out of your day, just a shift in your thinking process! Read and work through the steps outlined below, and make a plan to build some self-care into your week.

Part 1: Identify

In your journal, or on a piece of paper if you do not use a journal, write the title “What does it mean to love myself?”. Then, divide the page into 2 columns, with “Behaviour” on one side, and “Thoughts/Beliefs” on the other side. Take a moment to think about what it means to truly care for yourself. Once you have an idea of what this looks like for you, put your ideas on the paper, in the appropriate columns. For example, on the behaviour side, you might include things like: eating right, allowing yourself enough sleep, calling friends, reaching out for help when necessary, relaxing regularly (perhaps with a bath, meditation, yoga, reading, etc.), exercising, going for walks, gardening, limiting stress in your life, having strong boundaries with difficult people in your life, and so forth. Examples of thoughts/beliefs are: using positive affirmations, saying kind things to yourself such as “I can do this”, “I can learn to do that” (rather than “I’m such an idiot”), “I can handle my anger”, “I’m currently struggling with this because I am new at it” (rather than “I can’t do this”), “I have the power to take charge of my life”.

Part 2: Plan

Now that you have identified the ways in which you can care for yourself, take steps to incorporate loving yourself into your daily life. Review your list, and select the items on it that you identify the most with – the ones that really stand out for you. With these you will create a plan to incorporate them into your life: write down all the details necessary to carry out your plan during the following week. For example, if you want to eat better, you could review a recipe book, make a menu plan for the following days, and a grocery list of necessary food items. Or, if you commit to going for walks, but it is winter time and you don’t own a pair of winter books, make a plan to purchase winter boots. When you are creating your plan, think of anything that could get in the way of carrying out your plan, and then deal with it. Identifying the obstacles ahead of time is important and will enable you to better change your routine in your desired ways. Start small. Be realistic. Once your plan has been created – do it!

Reference:
Yes You Can! 16 Steps for Discovery & Empowerment, by Charlotte Kasl (1995)

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Idea 5: Get Philosophical!

October 22, 2010 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged , ,

You do not need to be religious or spiritual to have a philosophy guiding your life. However, when times get tough, it sure is helpful if you have a belief system to hang on to – to sustain you through difficulties. My absolute favorite personal philosophy for life comes from the author Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements. It is a short read and my emotional outlook has improved significantly since I adopted it. By following it, I find myself better able to  focus on the positive, to catch myself when negative self-talk tries to take hold, and am better able to behave in a way that is congruent with how I feel and with what I believe.

Don Miguel Ruiz proposes the following Four Agreements as a philosophy for living:

Be impeccable with your word:
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t take anything personally:
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t make assumptions:
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best:
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

As a parent I am continually reminding myself not to take things personally, and to be impeccable with my word. For me, this means that I don’t need to “own” my children’s issues: if my daughter is having a bad day, then she is having a bad day! It is not a reflection of anything I have done and I will not spend hours wondering what I could have done differently in order for her to have been in better spirits! I will certainly be available to her should she want to talk about it, and I will maintain an up-beat attitude around her.

All too often, parents do take the behaviours of their children personally. If a child is not listening, this can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.  Once the thought pops into your head that your child is disrespecting you, negative thoughts automatically flood through and before you know it, you are probably thinking angry thoughts about your child or about yourself as a parent. These angry automatic thoughts often are not grounded in reality and can serve only to bring forth negative emotion. Remember, just as you have your own agenda (you may need your child to listen because you have made dinner and she needs to come to the table), your child also has her own agenda (she may be in the middle of an activity and wants a moment to finish it up). Keeping these agreements as the philosophy guiding your life can help you keep the situation in perspective – it can help you remain objective and calm by not reading more into a situation than is necessary.  Take some time to determine for yourself what the best guiding philosophy is for your life – then stick with it and see what happens!

Reference:
The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz (1997).
http://www.miguelruiz.com/

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Idea 4: Memory Cue

October 21, 2010 · Filed under Strategies for Parents · Tagged , ,

You may have the perfect strategy selected to deal with a challenging behaviour, or perhaps you are just trying to handle your own emotions differently. But, in the moment while engaging with your child, it can be very difficult to remember to use that strategy. Changing a behaviour and developing a new habit takes time: be patient with yourself and try this strategy to trigger your memory.This is a strategy that works primarily as a memory cue.

I call this strategy the “Sticky Dot Technique” because it involves the use of the small, circular sticky dots that can be purchased at business supply stores. Take approximately 10 sticky dots, and place them in places that will be visible to you. Make sure they are in places where you tend to engage with your children (such as in the kitchen, in a hallway, on a bathroom mirror, and so forth. When you see a sticky dot, let it remind you of what you want to be doing. You may want to remember to “just breath” (taking deep breaths can physiologically calm your body so that you can better deal with the situation at hand), or you may want to watch your temper and keep from raising your voice. Whatever your planned course of action is, let the sticky dots remind you to follow-through. When you see a dot, check in on your behaviour. Are you doing what you set out to do, or has your anxiety/anger/etc. thrown you off course? If you are off course, the dot is a reminder for you to get back on track! Consistency is important in parenting, and the sticky dot technique is a great way to remember what you want to do so that you can be consistent and thus experience success with your chosen parenting approach.

I can not take credit for the genius behind this technique! It was taught to me in 2005 by a practicum supervisor (Derrick Doige), as part of my Master’s degree. Derrick Doige is a Counsellor with Okanagan College in Vernon BC, and also has a private practice.

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Idea 3: Develop Mindful Awareness

October 21, 2010 · Filed under Strategies for Parents

The concept of mindfulness has become increasingly popular over the last few years, and involves the ability to notice what is going on for you at any given moment, without judgment. Mindfulness is a learned skill that one acquires through regular practice. For example, if you start to feel some of the physiological sensations of anxiety, stress, or anger, (such as rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, heat in face), it is important to stop what you are doing and ask yourself “what is going on for me right now?”. This will get you present and focusing on yourself in the moment. Answering this question will involve noticing what thoughts you are having that may be contributing to physiological sensations (of increasing frustration, anxiety, anger). It also helps to notice what is going on for you in your environment (the immediate situation).

Daniel Siegel (2007), a researcher and author on the topic of mindfulness, describes mindfulness in the following way:

“Mindfulness means paying attention, in the present moment, on purpose, without grasping onto judgments. Mindful awareness involves paying attention to whatever arises within the mind from moment to moment. Recent studies of mindful awareness reveal that it can result in improvements in a range of physiological, mental, and interpersonal domains of our lives. People who develop the capacity to pay attention in the present moment without grasping onto their inevitable judgments also develop a deeper sense of well-being.”

All too often to tend to ignore what our bodies are telling us and just get on with daily life. We create habits for ourselves of going through each day in a state of ‘mindlessness’. However, in order to maximize our potential (and our potential happiness) in daily living, and live without fear and anxiety, we need to tune into ourselves with regular “check-ins”.

Try working through an example so that you are better equipped to apply this technique when needed.

- Think of a time recently when you noticed you were starting to feel anxious, fearful, angry, stressed, etc.
- What body sensations did you experience?
- What thoughts were going through your mind? For example, what were you telling yourself about the situation or about your ability to handle the situation?

When you notice that you are feeling discomfort, it is important to acknowledge it. Notice what is going on for you and then do something about it. Perhaps you need to do something to calm down. Or perhaps you have been triggered and need to take a few moments away from the situation to regroup. Perhaps you need to reframe negative self-talk. When you are calm, your problem-solving skills are enhanced. Remembering to take deep, slow, regular breaths is an important part of staying calm and in control.

If you tend to be triggered by certain behaviours in your children, practicing using mindfulness in your parenting. Remember, it is not the event that determines your reaction – it is your thought or interpretation of that event that determines your reaction. Without mindfulness, we risk reacting to situations without noticing our thoughts and physiological cues that cause us to react in the ways we do. Doing check-ins to increase mindfulness can enable you to take control of your actions and reactions at all different points in the cycle, and increase feelings of control, calmness, and competence.

Reference:

Siegel, D. (2007). The mindful brain: Reflection and attunement in the cultivation of well- being.  New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

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